|
|
*****
AN OLD COWBOY went to church for the first time in his life and told a friend about it:
"I tied my horse to a tree in the corral," said the cowboy.
"At church, that’s called a parking lot," explained the friend.
"Then I went up some steps and through the main gate."
"That's called the front door in a church."
"Inside, a man in a suit and tie gave me a piece of paper and pointed to a chute I should go down."
"That's called an aisle in church."
"Then I saw an empty stall and sat down."
"That’s called a pew."
"Oh," said the cowboy. "That’s exactly what the lady next to me said—'P-U'."
*****
You May Be in a Country Church if...
• PRAYERS ABOUT the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• The pastor is wearing boots.
• High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
*****
Get What You Pay For
ON THEIR WAY home from Sunday worship, a couple was complaining about their church—the pews were too hard, the sermon too long and the organ too loud.
In the backseat, their little boy quietly listened to all his parents’ complaints. Finally, he piped up, “I thought it was a pretty good show for a nickle?”
*****
Bovine Philosophy
A MAN from the city was watching a cow being milked. As he watched, a fly flew in the cow’s ear. A moment later the man noticed a fly in the milk pail. He asked the farmer how that could have happened.
“It’s simple,” said the farmer. “In one ear and out the udder.”
*****
He’s Just Horsing Around
A CITY SLICKER was driving on a country road when his car broke down. While he was under the hood trying to fix the problem, he heard a low voice say, “It’s the fuel pump.”
The fellow looked around, but only saw an old horse in the nearby pasture. As he put his head under the hood, he again heard the voice, “I said, it’s the fuel pump.” He turned to the horse and asked, “Was that you?”
“Yes,” the horse answered. “I told you to check the fuel pump.” Stunned, the man ran to the nearby farmhouse and asked the farmer if that was his horse. When the farmer answered yes, the city slicker said, “That horse could be worth a fortune.”
The fellow related how the horse told him to check his fuel pump. The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t pay any attention to him. He doesn’t know anything about cars.”
*****
There Goes the Evidence
JOE WAS CARRYING two buckets of fish from the river when he was stopped by a game warden in the northwoods.
“Do you have a license to catch those fish?” asked the warden.
“No, sir,” Joe replied. “These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?” asked the warden.
“Yes, sir,” Joe said. “I take these fish down to the river and let them swim around awhile. When I whistle, they jump back in the buckets, and I take them home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey!” the warden said. “Fish can’t do that.”
Joe stared at the warden for a moment and said, “Well, I guess I’ll just have to show you. Follow me, and I’ll demonstrate how it works.”
The warden followed behind in disbelief and watched Joe pour the fish into the water. After several minutes, he said to Joe, “When are you going to call the fish back?”
“What fish?” Joe asked.
*****
Heavenly Idea
AN EXASPERATED MOM, whose son was always getting into mischief, asked him how he expected to get into heaven. The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out, slamming the door over and over until St. Peter finally says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!’”
*****
Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks
IF DOGS trained people, we’d learn stuff like:
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Be loyal.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
*****
The Proposal
There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
*****
The Preacher Barber
There was once a small rural community--so small, in fact,
that the only church in town was a small Baptist church
whose pastor had to double up as the local barber to make
ends meet.
A man living in this small community had invested wisely and
was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed
one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the
mirror as he was about to shave and said to himself, "I make
enough money now that I don't have to shave myself. I'll go
down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he
did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber
was out calling on shut-ins. The barber's wife, Grace, said,
"I usually do the shaves anyway. Sit down and I'll shave
you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"Twenty-five dollars," Grace replied. The man thought that
was somewhat expensive and that he might have to get a shave
every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his
way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as
smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he
thought. Well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's
bottom. Wow! he thought. It amazed him, as he normally would
need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the
minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed,
the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day, the pastor was in, and the man asked
him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it
was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently explained, "Friend, you were
shaved by Grace, and once shaved, always shaved."
*****
|
|
|
|
|
