As I was lying back one evening in my fathers house. I was thinking back over my life and talking to Him about my dreams. And I realized that at the age of 45, my deepest dream ever since I was child has come true.

I don't really have any memories of my life before the age of 7. But I often imagine that I was a typical cute and curious little boy. My parents were divorced when I was 5 years old and my mother left me and my two brothers with my father. My father always told us that she left because she didn't want us. And I thought it must have been true because I never saw her, At least until I was 16 years old. However there were woman in my life because my father had been married 4 times. Although, I was never close to any of them. My father was very abusive and had very unusual ways of punishing me, And for some reason I was always getting into trouble. Most of the time he would just yell at me and smack me across the face, Or he would make me lean on my two fingertips up against the wall. But there were times that he would be so angry with me that he would hit me with what ever he could grab, and then lock me in my room. I don't know why but after awhile I just got use to it and it didn't hurt any more. I think it's because I knew that I did something wrong and I deserved it. I remember one time that he left me and my brothers with a baby sitter. And the babysitter was giving us a bath and we were screaming and crying because the water was to hot and he wouldn't let us out of the bath tub. And after we got out of the tub and got dressed I snuck out of the house and ran out to find someone to take me to my father. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but a man helped me find him and took me to his job. I ran up to him crying and telling him about the baby sitter. And he started yelling at me for running away and threw me into a stack of tire rims and broke my arm. Another time I was angry about something and cut up all the kitchen chairs. And when my father got home he was yelling at me and told me that if I wasn't happy there I could leave. And he threw me out the front door and I fell down a flight of stairs and my chin was cut open. Then he called me upstairs and bandaged my face and locked me in my room until my wounds healed.

I started acting out violently at a young age and needless to say these events affected every area of my life. By the age of 13 I started using drugs and ditching school, and running the streets. My father eventually told the courts that he couldn't control me anymore and the state took me away. They would place me in foster homes and group homes for boys, But I would always run away and go back to my father because I wanted to be with him and my brothers. And he would always call and have them come and get me. When I was 16 years old I tried to commit suicide and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. And it was while I was in the hospital that they located my mother. And after a few months of counseling they released me to her and her husband. Although the hospital was a very nice place and I didn't want to leave. At that time I found out that I had another brother and a step brother and it seemed like my life was finally going to get better. However, It didn't. Even though they weren't abusive. It was very obvious that my mother had only one son and he was her life. When certain friends of theirs came over I would have to call her Aunt ______ because she didn't want her friends to know that she had children from a previous marriage. And I often thought that the only reason she even let me come there was because she didn't want the doctors to think she was some cold hearted women who didn't want her children. I was having these horrendous nightmares all the time, And I would sleep with a switchblade under my pillow because I would wake up in the middle of the night in sweats just terrified. I would try and talk to her about the nightmares, And one time she told me that I just needed some friends. All you do is sit in your room or walk around listening to music, And it's probably that music you listen to giving you the nightmares. But I told her no it's not that, What I need is someone to tell me what is wrong with me. And she just stared at me for a long time as in a daze and then she just said, there is nothing wrong with you. You are at an age where you need friends, And a girlfriend. And you need to start experiencing some kind of intimacy. I was really missing my brothers and wanted to know why they couldn't go and get them, And she would just tell me that I should be thankful that her husband allowed me to come there. She was right about the music. But she didn't know that I wasn't out just walking around. I was having an affair with one of her friends and selling weed. And I was in my room every day taking valuum and getting stoned. Because they were the only things that gave me any peace. I remember when the album the Wall came out by Pink Floyd. It was a tribute album of the life of the original founder and singer of the band Syd Barrett who ended up in an insane asylum shortly after their first album. And it was an album that kind of put words to what I was dealing with inside of me. One day about a year after I was there my mother came into my room ( I forgot to lock the door) and I was getting high. And she got furious at me and started yelling at me, And I just went off on her. And I was yelling at her. And she went to slap me and I slapped her and told her that no body will ever put their hands on me again. Then she told me that I couldn't stay there any more, And I said fine and grabbed some things and left. And I have not seen her since that day. And at the age of 17 I knew that I could trust and depend on no one for anything. I was in this thing called life on my own and I did whatever I had to do to survive.

By the age of 26 I had used every drug from weed to shooting up heroine and speed. I was in and out of jail several times with charges that ranged from theft to assault with a deadly weapon. In all of my relationships I was very controlling, Abusive, Both physically and verbally. And it was also at the age of 26 that I realized my life couldn't get any worse. Because I was diagnosed with HIV. And it was strange because even though the news was devastating. I actually felt relieved in a way because I saw an end to all of this madness. About a year later my girlfriend and I were at home one day and we started drinking early in the afternoon. And by later that evening we had been very drunk and got into a fight, And I ended up choking her to death. When I had realized what I had done I just sat there holding her in my arms. And as tears just poured out of me I felt like I was going insane as I kept thinking what have I done? And as I sat there I determined within myself that dying was far better than living. So I grabbed a bottle of vodka and swallowed a bottle of vicadin and cut into my arm with a razor blade until I hit a main artery. And sat on the couch awaiting death.

I was slipping in and out of consciousness for I don't know how long and then I came to a point where everything was dark and I knew that I was passing into death. Then as if someone were standing right beside me I heard a very loud voice say " You do not want to die", And my eyes opened and I was screaming for help. But nothing was coming out of my mouth. Then I was trying to roll over and get off the couch but I couldn't move. out of the corner of my eye I saw the lamp on the end table and managed to knock it over and it broke the window behind me, And a few minutes later I went unconscience. I awoke the next day handcuffed to a hospital bed and the police started asking me what had happened. And I told them everything I could remember about it. Then a doctor came in and was talking to me and told me that they were'nt sure why I was still alive because I literally had no blood left in my body and was clinically dead. A few days later I was charged with 1st degree murder and taken to County jail. I didn't have the money for an attorney so I was appointed a Public Defender. And after going back and forth to court for 21 months they dropped the charge to Voluntary Manslaughter and sentenced me to 16 years in Prison.

After several months in prison, I was transferred to another prison. When I first arrived they put me in a holding cell until I went to classification and a few days later I was moved into a cell in general population. Before going to prison I was not a Christian nor a believer, Nor was I seeking God. However, the same day that I was moved to general population another man was also moving into the same cell with me. And after a few hours in there he started telling me that the reason he was there was because God wanted me to know that He loved me and has a plan for my life. Later that evening when they released us for dinner. Instead of going to eat I sat on the floor and cried out to God. And I don't know why but deep within me I just knew that if any one could fix me it was God. And I just said if you are real then you are the only one who can fix me and heal me from all of this madness. My cellie told me to start reading the bible and go to church, and a few weeks later he paroled. So that is what I did. I got water baptized at the church in Feb of 1992. And I started meeting with a small group of guys that got together one night a week on the yard for bible study. After a few months I was siting on my bunk reading in 1st Peter and when I got to 2:24 I just couldn't get past it. I kept reading it over and over and all of a sudden I heard within myself "You were healed. Were is past tense and I have already healed you" and it seemed so real to me. And I immediately went to my friend who ran the bible study group and told him about it. And he said" that could be true but don't get your hopes up too high because God will use sickness and disease to teach us things". But I told him that God said I was already healed and I knew it was Him speaking this to my heart. So the next day I went to my counselor and asked if they would give me another HIV test and she eventually agreed to. And a few weeks later she called me in and told me that the test was still positive. And my heart just sank and I went back to my cell and was asking God why He would tell me something like that if it wasn't true. And I got really discouraged and just stopped doing everything.

Several months later I was out walking on the yard and one of the guys that was in the bible study group came up to me and told me that God is not mad at you, And I need to talk to you. So we talked and he told me that while he was in prayer he saw a vision of my head turning in circles and moving slowly toward him but he didn't fully understand what it meant yet. Then he told me that he had been reading these books by Kenneth Hagin and the Lord was teaching him some amazing things. He told me that he and a few other guys were getting together every night and studying and praying together, and that I should come and join them. So I did. And we were getting books, and teaching tapes from Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth & Gloria Copeland, Joyce Meyers, Andrew Murry, Smith Wigglesworth, and many others. And I eventually got baptized in the Holy Spirit and was praying in tongues. And living in the scriptures. And we were learning about faith, Hope, Healing, Spiritual growth And Spiritual Gifts, And being led by His Spirit. And we were seeing the power of God in awesome ways. One of our brothers was blind and God healed him. A 20 year old ex gang banger had a cancerous tumor attached to his kidney and liver and they told him that he wouldn't live to see his release date. But God told him that He was going to heal him and every day for a week we prayed over him. And when he went in for the surgery they had scheduled, The tumor was gone. Miracles were even happening for family members outside of the prison as men were experiencing God's manifested presence and seeing things in the spirit. Outside of my cell window I could see this hill or rock formation which I don't know the name of. But the way it is shaped at the top it looks like this giant man lying down asleep. And one day I was looking out my window staring at it and daydreaming and the Lord spoke to my heart and said " Awaken to your righteousness because you are a sleeping giant". "It was me who kept you alive when you tried to kill yourself and it was me that kept you from receiving a life sentence in prison, And you shall live to proclaim the works of the lord". A few weeks later I was in my bunk just worshiping God and his manifest presence just came upon me. And it felt as if I were completely separated from my body. I didn't see anything, And I could still see myself but I had no sense of my flesh whatsoever. I was asking Him questions and when I was finished I heard this very audible, Powerful yet loving voice say " Be still and know that I am God". And this was my life for 5 and a half years, 7 days a week. All I did was read the scriptures, And read books, Pray, And fellowship learning about God and spiritual truths.

I paroled in February of 1998 into a drug treatment center that had a program for men and women who come out of prison. I found a church and after a few months I got a job working for a man in our mens group. 11 months after I was out I met a lady and few months later we were married. Things were going very well and we were going to church, And about a year and a half later I started working for myself. I was still having some emotional issues, But I was battling the enemies of my soul trying to walk in the peace and joy of the Lord, But I wasn't getting any breakthroughs. My wife and I were seeing a marriage counselor at our church trying to work through our relational issues and I was doing all the things that she was telling me I needed to do. I was controlling my anger better, But I still had this turmoil going on within me. I would pray in tongues and speak the word over me every day for hours, And I would find some relief but I never felt free.

In 2000 I was diagnosed with emphysema, And in 2001 my father passed away from Kidney cancer and heart failure. I was thankful that it happened after I was out of prison because I was able to be there with him and he didn't have to deal with it alone. He actually died in my arms in his own home. In December of 2003 I got a call from my younger brother, Who was also my closest and only friend telling me that he had cancer. He had been sick for several months but the doctors at the time believed it was ulcers and they were treating him for that. But then they found that he had multiple tumors throughout his organs. So I found a very good cancer specialist, And we got him into the hospital and they began treatment on him. I was talking to him about healing and my wife was praying for his healing, And I started battling in prayer for him. I was with him in the hospital almost 24 hours a day for a little over two months. And in March of 2004, 20 days before his 40th birthday he passed away. And it affected me like nothing else in my life ever has. I started feeling really guilty thinking that if I were a better person or had more faith I could have saved his life. And I was arguing with God, Screaming at Him and cussing at Him. My brother was a better person than me, Why didn't He take me instead. And I started feeling all this pain and turmoil all over again. I had been fighting it for years trying to walk in the freedom that we have in Christ. I thought I was a new creation and all things were new. I was so tired of hurting and fighting this battle within myself and getting very little relief. And a few months later I just walked away determined not to feel this way anymore. I walked away from God, And I walked away from my marriage. And all I did was work 7 days a week taking pain killers all day. I was making bad decisions and choices. And by August of 2007 I had lost everything. I had no family, I had no friends, And I had no where to go. I was in the middle of the dessert literally. With my car and my cell phone.

I was so broken and there was nothing left of me but pain. And I sat in my car just screaming inside and I was screaming out to God "I hate my life and I hate who I am. Why am I like this, And what is wrong with me. I have nothing left in me to fight with. And within hours a door was opened and I had a place to go. Then He began to lead me to people who operated in spiritual gifts telling me about Jesus healing the broken hearted (Luke 4:18) and inner healing, and speaking to me through them. And then He led me to a wonderful church where I met my Pastors, Two wonderful people whom I consider to be my spiritual parents. Who have embraced me in love from the first day I met them, And have been very instrumental in my journey of inner healing and wholeness in Jesus Christ. And I am so grateful for them.

My healing process is another story in itself. However, I will say this. Our Heavenly Father has healed me of two incurable diseases. He has set me free from 45 years of oppression, Bringing me out of this spiritual prison I was living in within myself. After prayer one day with my pastors He healed me from the violent and horrendous nightmares. Over the past several months He has been healing my broken and wounded heart, Bringing me into a place of relationship with Him where I have never been before. I have had to take some major risks, At least they were major for me, Doing what He was leading me to do in opening up myself with these people. And every single time He has so faithfully met me with more healing and understanding. And I would like to encourage everyone who hears my story, With the words that have encouraged and comforted me. Inner healing is a process and God is in the process. "We are who we are by the grace of God. Be strong in the grace that is in our Lord Jesus Christ, And stand in that grace and rejoice in your hope of Glory. Because when that which is perfect has come, Then you shall know even as you are known!

Even though it appeared that I was so far down that even when I looked up I saw bottom. In all reality I was so far up that I couldn't see down. Because my real Dad, My Heavenly Father, The one who gave life to me, Reached down and lifted me out of the trash can and took me into His arms. And He looked at me and said "I love you, And I have missed you. My heart is full of joy that you are here. You are so valuable and precious to me that I laid down my life for you. Spend some time with me and let me love on you, And I will pour my love on you so much that you will have to ask me to stop". And as tears were pouring down my face I laid back and saw him holding me in his arms. And I felt like a new born child as He reached over and shut a door in my mind and everything was silent. And then He started stroking my head holding me ever so close to him. And I could feel His love in every fiber of my being, And it was the most wonderful thing I have ever felt in my life. And as the tears just kept pouring out of me all I could even utter out of my mouth was Thank you for loving me. And I knew in that moment that my dream had come true. Because for the first time in my life I knew that I was loved and important, My feelings are important, My well being is important, Even my pain is important to this man holding me in His arms. I also knew that this was just the beginning of something new, but I didn't want to leave that place. And He even knew that and in a soft loving voice He said " Don't be afraid, There is nothing wrong with you. You are My son! made in my likeness and image, born and conceived in love because you were conceived in Me. It is my Spirit that is in you. I have given you a Spirit of power, And love, And a sound mind. I have made you strong and wonderful, And you have the heart of a warrior. I am going to bring out the life that I have created within you. This is who you are and this is where you belong. I have you safely in my arms and nothing can take you away from me. I am going to bring you justice and set you free, And freedom is going to come through you to others. I am going to restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten. You don't have to fight and survive anymore, The battle is mine and I will fight for you. Just keep your eyes on me and I will show you my love, And I will show you my salvation. I will take care of you and I will be your sun and shield. Now, let's do this thing called life together".

This is the true nature and hearts desire of our Heavenly Father for everyone on the earth. We were created by Him and we were created to know Him.

Loved by my Dad.